Friday, 29 June 2007

Dont Fault Others for Your Fear of Tumbling Into Something New

Okay so here is my dilemma.

There is this calling which I respond to (finally).
This Discernment of calling which I fall into, and now after months of being in the discernment process I am discerned for priesthood and what do you know, I'm paralysed! Discerned for priesthood one week, signed up for study a BTheol in distance education the next (oh yeah I learn best in group situations by the way) as well as working full time.

In some strange way its like watching oneself dissolve before your very eyes. I've done tertiary study before but the courses were always practicum based, now I am here with these assignments looming and I can't even focus to study! My brain races a thousand miles a minute, every sentence raises more and more questions and possibilities and then hell there is the stuff that is so dry the pages fare crumble to the touch.

I feel thick in all of this theological language which leaves me spending most of my time in my Oxford dictionary of Theological terms trying to understand what inevitably turns out to be something that could be said in far more accessible terms.

Okay so I am sabotaging myself here, scaring myself really. There have been times over the last week when I have sat at my laptop weeping at my lack of understanding. Okay to be fair I have had a bereavement, a cold, and now blessings a stomic flue.

No profound poetry here no gentle words of God, cos quite frankly the warm moist salty God of my understanding doesn't seem to terribly interested in the Historical Critical or Literal or what ever way of dissection. Just of nudging me in the night, sitting with me when I am in my bathroom vigil and I wonder what on earth I have done in saying YES God pick me!
Have they made a mistake?

In a moment of watching Deadwood my current favourite dvd series I hear the line "Don't fault others for your fear of tumbling into something new" and just think buggar.

Any assistance or comments for those experienceng the terror of study greatly accepted and appreciated.

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