I am drawn back today (by an uncertainty in future directions) to the job I had before this one. I recall it especially I suppose because besides the fact that it was my birthday it was also the day I was told I was to possibly be made redundant. For eight months a multi national toyed with us over who would go, who would stay.
Until the banality of it was such that it became something that not only did we live with, with some numbness, but that we integrated in some twisted way. How else were we to live with the weekly leaving collections from 400 to 40- last one out etc.
And here in a moment today, I am caught once more with that feeling of helpless anger. On one level I have a rather clinical overview - the 'Oh how interesting to find yourself feeling this way in the face of change, is that a suppressed issue I see arising?' And in another I am aware of standing in a time and place of change where unknowns can be reinterpreted with disastrous results when left in the dark too long.
On a positive note I am going home tonight to indulge in celebrating the 4th of July with my Husband and Friends (he is a southern boy.) We shall eat chili dogs and pecan pie and watch with rare and blessed indulgence my favorite documentary "Searching for the Wrong Eyed Jesus" and watch Delicatessen after that.
For those who have not seen "Searching for the Wrong Eyed Jesus" really suggest you do. Here is the website for more information http://www.searchingforthewrongeyedjesus.com/. For those of you in Christchurch New Zealand you can hire it from Alice in Videoland.
But it is time for me to take myself and my future anxiety home.
Blessed are those who stand in the storm
Megan the ambiguous